18:05: The lonliest part of the day. The part that makes you want to….makes you want to what? Belong? Be asked? How does it work?
What happens when you put a face to that lonliness? Start having endless conversations with her in your head? Validations.
What if it’s not mere lonliness? You know how the heart skips a beat. It has happened over the years. Only that when you were younger, you didn’t know better. “Unrequited” was not a word you had familiarised yourself with. Daydreams- that’s where it all began and ended. That’s all you knew. But what now? Now that you know how it feels to be held; to feel lips within yours and the humming of a voice in your ear. How do you reconcile?
I wish it was about numbers and figures. A sense of achievement and all about power. You’ve tried that too, haven’t you? Power play, the ticking of one-nights- convenient and so very empowering. But what when it’s over? Much like the disgusting taste in your mouth left behind by the high of a cigarette.
Unrequited is an adult word. Atleast in my case and thankfully so. It makes you stronger, I keep telling myself.
There’s always the late evening walks, the writhing of the fingers in the middle of the night, and the sense of liberation at not being weak; having the strength to ‘be’.
All you’ve got to do is make it till the monitor reads 19:05.
Time for the night trot.