I’ve been a terribly fussy birthday person. I get depressed and overtly self critical and end up thinking that people around me are being fake for the sake of the day. Till last year, I used to believe that it’s not a life worth celebrating. Have things changed drastically that I don’t feel that way any more? Have I done great things in the past one year?
The answer is clearly ‘no’. It’s been an eventful year and I’m aware that it won’t be so next year. Because if I’m still in this workplace, life will have had taken a routine shape. There’ll be different sorts of adventures and achievements.
So this time, I was feeling really passive about the entire birthday ordeal. Like it didn’t matter. As in, I didn’t need a day to validate my existence. I exist anyway. I celebrate productivity anyway. I drag myself through hard days just this way. Anyway.
So I made a few observations. This is how it goes. I didn’t switch off my phone because I was a hormonal teenager. It was because I knew I’d be asleep by 10. And something that is worse than not picking up calls at 12 is people finding the line engaged and thinking that you’ve not attended their calls, when in reality, they are just blocking each other’s lines while you’re blissfully sleeping.
I woke up to messages. It was majorly from the people I love and it made me feel happy and loved. I also noticed with a smirk on my face that all the ex-s have sent a message. Touché. this didn’t bother me much and I was prepared to reply to every one of them with good feelings in my heart.
What pissed me off here is how selfish the person I’m in love with has truly become. She could’ve left it at a simple happy birthday. It would make me very happy. But she needed to bring in facts vouching for my past relevance in her life. This also happens to be the time of the year when we used to celebrate our ‘anniversaries’. So yes, I did find it unnecessary. Having simply just this emotion actually made me feel very mature. I wasn’t too upset or bothered. I chose to ignore it. I simply replied with a thank you. Anything more than that would have been dishonest. And I wasnt in the mood to make her feel wanted or appreciated. I’m startlingly aware of how important and indispensable I “was”. I don’t need to be reminded of that one fine day that you oblige me by being nice. Thank you.
The last few growing years have always been about ‘I want a normal day’. And then you’d end up being ‘surprised’ anyway. But this year was different. I went in for work and nobody knew that it was my birthday. So, you’d absolutely have to have a normal day. And it wasn’t much of a compulsion. I liked the sanity. If someone was nice to me, I knew for a fact that they were simply being nice to me. Even for the person I really like, I liked it when she picked me to be in her team. It was nice to know that she’d do it anyway. I think it was at these rare moments when I felt that it would be nice if people knew. Not because I cared for them to know but for AJ to know. Clearly, I wanted her attention. I always want it like crazy. I adore her. I’d do that any given day. And this has no correlation with my birthday. So yes, I liked and enjoyed a normal day without an added leeway.
My best friend asked me if I wanted to cut a cake. To be honest, I really don’t care. I’d love to eat cake, but that’s that. I’d like to do that on any given day. But it’s situational. If my friends were present and they got me a cake, I’d like to cut it for there is a different sort of enjoyment in that whole exercise. They enjoy it so much. I’d not like to do that with my family. I don’t know why. I really am indifferent. Had it been in Office, I’d have hated to do it.
So yes, I was glad that my parents had not gotten a cake. That it was normalised in the evening when I got back home and I did some catching up with people who care enough for me. And that’s that.