The loop

Hello darkness my old friend.

I don’t exactly know if I suffer from depression and anxiety. My friends who have been ‘diagnosed’ seem to describe a whole new place. I know my darkness is not that intense. 

I know I’ve controlled my fears to a great extent by travelling. It helped me let go. Slowly. Of inhibitions. I keep reminding myself to let go of things.

Some days I wake up and i know I have the strength in me to meet people. Say hello. When I do wake up early and go for runs, I feel proactive. Some days I do things. I clean, sweep, wash, run, bathe, eat, breathe. 

Then there are some which are better passed from under the blanket, in some corner of the room, wishing no one would ever find me there. Wishing I’d not have to make phone calls to strangers, waiting for the hunger pangs to go away so that I wouldn’t need to get out of the blanket. Sometimes I keep watching porn and I dont know why I don’t get an orgasm. Why I lose will midway. Why saying hi to someone or maintaining eye contact becomes so difficult. Why I pretend like I’m sleeping so that I’d not have to talk to my mother. It’s a horrible feeling and I don’t shoo it away. I just wait for it to pass. I hate myself a little more on those days. I dig a little deeper into my skin. 

And then I come out of it. I go running, I take a bath, I cook, eat, sing, take photos, and fear that I won’t become unproductive again. It’s my worst enemy like constantly checking Facebook or WhatsApp to validate my existence. 

The beating of the heart feels good at the top of the hill. Even in the rain in my red hood. Smiling at someone and wishing them a good morning or simply saying hi to someone passing by feels liberating. I love to hum as I walk. 

Some days are good. And then I realise, ‘how wild it is to let it be’. 

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